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I may have posted a portion of this already, can't remember. Wish I could attribute the forgetfulness solely to MS, but it's probably age-related, too!
I grew up in Ft. Wayne, Indiana (born in 1955) in a loving, Christian home; have one older sister. Went to parochial grade school and high school, both of which I can (and do) thank my parents. I've been married since 1976 and we have twin daughters who just turned 18. God has always been a major part of my life. Reading the other poignant and truly touching testimonials, I feel mine is pretty ordinary and somewhat boring. I have no dramatic, inspiring stories where I found Christ; no earth-shattering events, no incredibly tragic and challenging life circumstances to overcome like so many of you (which causes me to shake my head and puts me in awe of you). Jesus is just a major part of my life; always has been and I've never questioned or doubted it. That's just the way I grew up.
My story is fairly simple and I know this may sound really weird and somewhat off-the-wall and crazy to many, but I truly believe God has put this comforting vision or dream or thought or whatever you would call it into my consciousness. Let me try to explain as best I can.
I've been in this wheelchair now for over 2 years and the MS has most definitely advanced. In addition to the decrease in mobility, increase in isolation, and requiring assistance to do even the basic things in life, I've been having monumental trouble with depression (which, I'm sure you all can identify with). Very simplified, my depression has been caused by the MS but is worsening because my home atmosphere is very negative, having little emotional support, and generally feeling worthless and such a burden to my family (somewhat of a major 'pity party', I know, and I'm trying my best not to fall into that trap with any regularity). I, by nature, am a positive and optimistic person, i.e., the glass is half full, not half empty, etc. I'm the 'problem-solver', 'fixer', and 'up-lifter' with a tenacious 'can-do' attitude or, at least, that's how I used to be.
Recently, I've often thought -- What is the reason for my existence, especially when I'm unable to do much for anyone or help maintain our household or contribute to our finances? -- What do I have to enthusiastically look forward to? -- Wouldn't my family be better off, both financially and emotionally, if I weren't here, etc., etc. I've prayed that God would comfort me and I truly believe He put the following 'vision' in my thoughts:
***** When I die, angels will escort me to heaven. I picture when we arrive, Jesus will then greet me with open arms, a hug, and a kiss. He'll hold me tightly in His arms for a few moments and then smile and say, Let's go see Dad."
I imagine us slowly walking hand-in-hand through beautiful flower gardens toward the Father and then I break free and start running, not only to get to God faster, but because I now CAN run. I see our Father sitting in a white gazebo in the beautiful garden with gorgeous flowers surrounding it. I approach Him, He gives me a warm hug, says 'Welcome Home, my dear child, I've been waiting for you', and invites me to sit down to talk. He holds my hands in His and says, 'I know how difficult these last few years have been for you and I'm so proud of you! You never stopped trusting Me, even when you were tempted to question if I was there to help you or if I even cared. You kept reminding yourself and kept believing that I was in control of your life and providing all you needed.'
'I know you're worried about leaving your girls, but be assured they will be fine. You've instilled Me in their hearts and you will see them again when they arrive here, too. I promise I will be with them forever and they will feel My powerful presence. You are going to be assigned to be their personal Guardian Angel so you will not miss a single moment of their lives. Whenever they think of you, they'll know with certainty that you are there with them in spirit and feel you in their hearts.' (I think this gives me the most comfort of all!)
'I also want you to be the Master Gardener of this beautiful garden. For so many years on earth, you weren't able to garden and care for the flowers around your home. I know this is something you dearly loved doing and missed terribly. So I'd like you to be in charge of and care for this beautiful flower garden for Me.'
Then He says, 'let's go see all your loved ones who arrived here before you. They're waiting to greet you.' *****
WOW & DOUBLE WOW!! It will be so unimaginably wonderful to again see loved ones already in heaven. How unbelievably thrilling that will be! As comforting as it is to envision all of this now, I know in reality it will be even more magnificent than I am able to imagine. Our mortal minds simply can't begin to comprehend the wonder and gloriousness of it all. I know all this may sound really goofy and overly philosophical but, I guess, that's just the way I am.
There's also something else that I'm certain of and have absolutely no doubt about. It happened in September of 2001. Most people will immediately think of the horrible 9-11 tragedy, but that's not directly what I'm referring to. Yes, because of that tragedy, though, my husband lost his job with Midway Airlines, but that was such a blessing in disguise for us. I truly believe we witnessed a miracle when my husband was offered the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce job that he now has. Let me explain.
My husband, Jason, had been with USAirways and then Midway Airlines since 1976 and had been wanting for years to get out of that volatile industry. After 9-11, the decision was made for him the next day. Midway, which had been in financial trouble anyway, was wiped out, filed bankruptcy and closed immediately. So now, with no advanced warning, he was jobless, had a family to support, a wife unable to help financially and, herself, having increasing medical expenses, and a career history solely airline-related. By the grace of God, within two weeks he had an interview with the Chamber for New Membership Sales Director. He felt the interview went very well and was hopeful and excited. A few days later, I think, he was called and they said, though, it was extremely close between him and another applicant and it was a very difficult choice to make, the job went to the other person.
We were devastated but Jason, in a 'fighting-mode', sent them a thank you letter for their interview time and requested they keep him in mind for future openings, etc., etc. Evidently, the 'right person' at the Chamber got a hold of his eloquent letter and questioned, "Why the hell didn't we hire this guy!?!" I think that same day they called and offered him the job!
No one can convince me this wasn't a true miracle that we witnessed. God's fingerprints were all over this event. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called for His purpose. Romans 8:28. So, it is pretty obvious, God truly DOES work things out for our good if we only trust Him. Often we feel like we're in a dark, deep hole and can't see any way out and we lose hope. Then, PRESTO, He allows us to see a glimpse of light and shows us the way to climb out.
With all this said, I'm sadly ashamed to say most days I fail to follow my own uplifting words and advice. The MS and depression seems to be getting worse by the day and I'm so frightened and feel increasingly guilty imposing my many needs on my family. I remember reading somewhere that one of the things disabled/chronically ill people fear the most is NOT dying, but living. How true, for me. I have a hard time feeling like I'm really living when I can do so little for others and am always the needy one and on the receiving end (no matter how grateful I am). I'm sure many of you can relate when I say, "I'm so sick of needing to ask for help with everything."
But, I must keep reminding myself of the undeniable truth that God will make a way even if I'm unable to see it myself. He's the One in control without a doubt. Why is it then, while my brain truly knows and believes that, as an absolute fact, my heart sits and worries? Guess that's what faith is all about, isn't it!? Mine certainly needs to grow BIG TIME, and I'm struggling. I know there's little I can actually DO other than keep my eyes on our Lord, learn/study God's Word, and quit relying on my own understanding. The Holy Spirit is the only one that can come into my heart and mind and make my faith grow, and I pray for just that. I've read something recently that I've actually printed in big letters and taped it to my computer screen - 'God makes a promise, Faith believes it, Hope anticipates it, and Patience quietly waits for it'. 'Patience' is the most challenging one for me!
I'm rambling so will close for now. Just ordered a scanner and when I
receive and figure out how to operate, I'll add our family's pictures to MS
& Christ's photo gallery.
God bless you all.
In Christ's love,
Deb
In early 2009 we tried to touch base with everyone to up date our contact list and shortly after that, Jason, Deb’s husband contacted us to let us know that Deb had lost her 20 year battle with MS. We are thankful to know we will all get to meet face to face on day soon!
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